3 Lessons I’m Learning (and Applying) to Live a Better Life

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So you've heard it, yes, we've swung it
And we tried to, yes, we sung it
You won't recognize it, it's a surprise hit
This tune, called Mack the Knife

– from Mack the Knife: Live in Berlin (1960) by Ella Fitzgerald + the Paul Smith Quartet

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As we've just passed the mid-ish point of the quarter, I thought it'd be fun to do a quick reflection on a few lessons I've been learning (and applying) in the last month or so. I've learned quite a few, but these three have been most consequential in my attempt to live a life full of joy, faith, trust, and love. Ya girl is just doing her best, y'all. And I just wanted to document a bit of that here.

Also, just a quick plug: I share weekly lessons in my super rad newsletter, The Disco - Newsletter. It's a fun spot to be on Sunday afternoons, so subscribe if you feel called to do so!

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1. Say what you mean; do what you feel

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I've learned recently that in order to live the kind of life I want, I must be courageous enough to be in constant pursuit of integrity and congruency. Even when it's scary. Even when it's inconvenient. Even when it's in opposition to what everyone else is doing. If I am to be free and to honor myself as a person, I must simply live and do out of honesty and integrity to who I am in the moment.

I've found myself doing this most recently through how I'm communicating with people. There was a time not too long ago when I'd spend more time than was needed worrying about the messages I'd send people, whether they communicated what I was hoping to say, how'd they be received, if they would bother the recipient, and what the potential consequences of the message would be. But friends, that time has now come to an end.

Now, if I want to say something, I say it. If I want to invite someone to something, I invite them. If I need something, I ask for it. If I can't do something, I communicate as such. Perhaps this lesson is stemming from a larger development in which I'm starting to release fear/anxiety, but generally speaking, I've become so much calmer about communicating with folks. And I've started to notice which folks I don't feel safe communicating with and what steps I can take to protect myself. I'm no longer over-anticipating how things will be perceived. And bestie that's growth.

I think I summed it up quite well in these two journal entry excerpts from October:

"If you move from a place of integrity and truth, then who can embarrass you? If you are honest in your actions and words and they reflect how you truly feel in the moment, then what can be said to you?" – Oct 21

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"BE TRUE TO HOW YOU MF FEEL AND ONLYYYY TO HOW YOU FEEL

NOT HOW YOU THINK YOU SHOULD FEEL

TURN THAT EAR INWARD

WTF DO YOU HEAR???

AND THEN ACT ON THAT.

MOVE FROM THERE.

AND THEN AT LEAST IF IT ALL GOES LEFT, YOU CAN STILL KEEP YOUR CHIN UP BECAUSE YOU MOVED FROM INTEGRITY, TRUTH, BRAVERY, AND AUTHENTICITY. YOU MOVED FROM YOUR HEART, SISTER, AND THAT’S HOW YOU MF WIN.

WE ARE WINNERS BECAUSE WE MOVE FROM OUR HEART NO MATTER WHAT." – Oct 7

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2. You don't need no co-signer in your life

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I plan to write a separate post one day on a song called "Writing's on the Wall" by OK Go, but the gist of my thoughts on it is that I am squarely responsible for my own joy.

There's a lyric in the chorus that goes

But I just want to get you high tonight

I just want to see some pleasure in your eyes

And y'all, I felt that. I also feel such a large call to action from this. I feel called to ensure that no matter what happens, who's in my life, or what's going on, there is still pleasure in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I say this a lot in the newsletter, but when it comes to having a good time, protecting your own peace, and making sure you're okay at the end of the day, it has to be you! You have to be responsible for that. It really, truly can be no one else but you.

And with that, comes not needing a co-signer for your life. You don't need nobody to agree with your choices, your plans, your priorities, none of that. Having support is beautiful and knowing that your community is behind you is always a blessing, yes. But sometimes the desire of YOUR heart or what you know God has for you doesn't align with what other folks may like, support, subscribe to, or believe in. Sometimes the vision God gave you can't be seen by other folks and that's ok! Sometimes what you feel just doesn't resonate with the folks around you and that's also ok! The key to this is to not take anything personally, to love them regardless, and to know that in reality, you don't necessarily need their approval to claim that for your life.

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3. The stakes are never as high as they seem

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This is probably thee most monumental lesson I've been implementing recently. It's truly changed the way I think about risk.

I used to be very cautious and careful and analytical of almost every decision I made, every message I sent, and every interaction I had. I put so much mental effort into these things because I, as Asia helped me realize, tended to catastrophize things sometimes. I would make some things -- telling a crush how I felt, picking a braid style, throwing a birthday party, or giving a presentation at work -- feel like it truly was do or die. And yo my body felt that and manifested that stress physically. Not fun times, believe me.

But over the last month or so, I've come to realize that it is very rare that things truly are as high stakes as I was making them to be. As I said in a journal entry on Oct 7, "YOU ARE OKAY. AIN’T NOTHIN ROUND HERE CAN HURT YOU FR. THE STAKES NOT REALLY THAT HIGH. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE PROTECTED. YOU ARE SUPPORTED. YOU WILL BE OKAY."

I've applied this most recently by the way I reacted to a car accident last week. I was so unexpectedly calm, y'all. I didn't freak out, I didn't hypercriticize myself, and I didn't make myself feel bad, stupid, or incapable. I made a mistake and instead of punishing myself, I immediately recognized how low-stakes this accident actually was. I started listing the facts: I was alive. The person I hit was alive. No one was injured. Lil Red still ran just fine. I didn't get a ticket. I have insurance. I have the money to pay for whatever I have to pay for. I will be ok. Everything will be ok.

Or back to the crush example, literally, if they don't like me back I will not die. If I don't make it to Chicago next June, I will not die. If I don't have $X saved for a house next year, I will not die. Like yo ain't nothin really that big of a deal!!! And baby once that clicked, it was over with. This is largely based on my faith that no matter what, God really got my back and that understanding is 100% how I've made it to this conclusion.

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But yeah, y'all! That's what ya girl has been learning these days. I'm real proud of myself tbh. I've come such a long way and I'm so grateful to the Lord for helping me to get here. Cheers to growth and applying the lessons we learn!!! No hard heads round hereeee.

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