A way of accepting what you can control and releasing what you can't in the realm of relationships.
You aren’t a product but you, my dear, are very much an experience.
People interact with you for a variety of reasons and they leave those interactions with a variety of feelings. You have many unique features. You are, very literally, one of one. The experience people have with you cannot and will never be found anywhere else. There’s a ton of power in that. A ton of space for you to exercise intentionality in the experience you want to have in your relationships, which is naturally intertwined with the experience you want others to have with you.
I will note that those two things, your experience and the experience people have with you, aren’t always going to be identical. People are people, not products that can be designed and built and used, and there’s so much complexity involved in human behavior that even the most intricate design system couldn’t account for all the possibilities. And that’s fine! It’s just important to remember that you can have all the intentions in the world, but if someone is only interested in having a negative experience with you, there’s nothing to be done, darling. That’s a use case we couldn’t design for if we wanted to. A circumstance beyond our reach. Ain’t none of our business anyway. Out of scope, if you will.
What’s in scope, however, is what we can individually control about the interactions we have with other people. Namely, what we say and do in those interactions. We can control our tone, our energy, our body language. We can control how active a listener we are, how engaged we are, and how genuine our compliments are. And with that, along with knowledge of the people we’re interacting with, we can even contribute to (but not control) the quality and direction of the interaction.
So how do we do that? How do we take an active role in the interactions we have before they happen? How can we have experiences that are true to who we are and what we want, while at least attempting to be an experience that leaves a positive impact on others?
Well by design, of course.
I’m a content designer and it is my literal job to make user experiences better, easier, and more accessible with content (words). When I design user experiences, usually I get the worst ideas out first. I focus on identifying what I don’t want the experience to feel like so I know what to avoid. Knowing what I don’t want helps me gain clarity on what I do.
So in this, the first step is to consider what kind of experience do I want to avoid? What kind of experience do I not want other people to have with me. Again, the latter is out of your control, but you can have some impact on it, so it’s good to have an intention around it.
For example, before you even get dressed for the party you were invited to, you can already start listing things in your mind. It can even be helpful to recall experiences (both positive and negative) for inspiration.
I don’t want the host of this party to think I’m rude for bringing someone to their home without asking for permission first. I remember how I felt when someone brought a stranger to my home without asking, and it was not good. This person may not feel the same way, but I will ask now just to be sure.
Or
I want to express to the host of this party how much I appreciate the invitation into their space. I remember how appreciated I felt when a guest brought me flowers at my event and how much this host complimented them. I’ll check to see if they already have a vase, and I’ll bring over some flowers to brighten their space!
So through reflection, we’re designing an experience based on learnings from past experiences. Consider this your own user research where you are the user. You use these insights to inform how you approach the next interaction. You recall the feeling, whatever it was, and do something with it in your interaction between you and the other person. It’s really important that these experiences we’re reflecting on are balanced so that we’re not ruminating too much on the negative or recent experiences. Don’t give too much air time to the experience you had last weekend. Think about that coffee chat last month or that housewarming last quarter.
You continue:
My sister was upset with me because of things outside of my control and that made me feel very alone, so when I make plans with people, I won’t punish them for being late because of things outside of their control.
This stranger ignored me and just talked to my friend without acknowledging I existed. That made me feel invisible, so I’ll be sure that when I interact with a pair or group of people, I speak with everyone and not just one person.
So now when your cousin is late to dinner because there was a car fire on 20 or when you want to talk to the cute guy playing pool with his friend at the funky 70s bar, you’re going to approach both of those interactions differently because you already know what you don’t want to happen and have identified some steps to avoid them.
Will it work every time? No! We’re still talking people, dear, not products. But merely thinking about this is still meaningful design work toward your ideal.
But that was about designing how people experience you based on your previous experiences with others. What about designing the experience you have?
Designing your own experience can be as simple as this:
I want to feel really confident and relaxed at this picnic so that I can interact more freely and honestly with the other people there. To accomplish this, I will wear clothes that I already know make me feel confident and relaxed.
Boom. The simplest user journey you’ve ever seen. Step 1: Do all the things you know will make you feel confident and relaxed at this picnic → Step 2: Go to the picnic and interact with people. You could just go straight to step 2 from some other entry point but would the user need (confidence and relaxation) still be met? No! And what’s a user experience that doesn’t meet the user’s needs??? Bad design.
A good designer always considers the user’s needs. And when designing your own experience, it is up to you to ensure your needs are being adequately met. Knowing what your needs are is yet another form of user research. Bust out a pen and let’s get to it.
When preparing for an interaction (whether you have 0.2 seconds to prep or 2 weeks) you should ask yourself
And once you’ve run through those questions now you know what you need! You can take that information and use it.
I’m meeting a few friends for brunch tomorrow? Okay, I know I need a full night’s rest to be my best at social gatherings so I’m going to go to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight instead of scrolling on TikTok until 4am.
That’s design! You took out the friction of fatigue, a known pain point when you want to be social, and designed the experience you want to have.
Now the fact is when you wake up in the morning and go to that brunch, it may still not go very well! It could be too loud, the food could be bad, some of your party may not be on time. There are so many things that could affect your experience that aren’t in your control, but the point of being a designer is never to build perfect user experiences. We can’t. It’s literally impossible and we’d drive ourselves mad if we tried. But what we can do is be quick to accept what we can’t design for and, as cliche as it sounds, simply do our best. Yeah the wait time may have just gotten extended to 45 minutes because they gave your table away, but at least you’re well rested. And that one design choice can make all the difference in the experience you have.
So I hope as you build, maintain, and prune the relationships in your life that you take the time to be considerate and thoughtful enough to design the interactions you want to have. Again, we are people, not products that are used for a goal. You are more complex that the app in your phone. But you are infinitely more deserving of intention, positive experiences, and relationships that feel beneficial to your life.
