How I'm learning to call it like it is instead of banging my head against the truth.
In Tia Williams’ 2024 novel A Love Song for Ricki Wilde, the titular character, a 28-year-old misfit in an upper class Black family, has been fighting for her life.
She’s not physically fighting for her life like in a Hunger Games kind of way. She’s merely the youngest of four daughters, “an accident,” as she’s often reminded. And her family spares no expense in reminding her of her mistakes, discounting her successes, and asserting to no one in particular that she is a mess and bound to fail. She’s being bullied, stuck on the receiving end of bad behavior from her family for years.
It’s not until someone sticks up to her sisters on her behalf that she finally stops seeing her family’s actions and words toward her as “tough love,” but for what it is: bad behavior.
I am guilty of excusing bad behavior, especially when it’s from people I love. When I am disregarded or treated less than I deserve, I tend to use this darling mind of mine to justify my way out of the discomfort. And when I can’t, I pull from the well of compassion and empathy and convince myself that there must be some reason for this person’s bad behavior. Certainly they don’t mean me any ill will.
I’d say things like “people are in your life for different reasons and relationships offer to teach you different lessons” when what I really need to say is that being mistreated is not okay just because it teaches you a lesson.
Sure, some people’s coldness teaches you to not take other’s warmth for granted. Or some people’s different approach to things — and their stubbornness about it — could operate to humble you; perhaps the whole goal of it all is to teach you that your way is not the only way and that’s okay. Healthy conflict is natural and can be a great opportunity for growth.
But some things are just not okay. Wrong is wrong. And it’s dangerous to use compassion or empathy to justify bad behavior.
There is a difference, friends, between accepting behavior even though it’s different and accepting behavior even though it’s bad.
“They’re just like that” is fine when you’re explaining why a person doesn’t shake everyone’s hand (there are many cultures in which that’s considered very weird!). It’s not fine if you’re explaining why a person is stonewalling you. There’s a line between dismissing actual harm to keep the peace and dismissing a perceived slight to keep your peace.
For the last several years, I’ve been learning and thinking about how to manage conflict in relationships from a lens of love, forgiveness, justice, and grace. I’ve had to practice – through real-life, snotty nose crying, up on FaceTime in the middle of the night trial and error – how to differentiate between what is acceptable and what is not. I’ve spent my 20s learning where to draw the line.
When I was younger, I expected people to treat me exactly as I would treat them, express care in the same way as I would, respond how I would, think the way I did. But that’s not fair and certainly not accommodating of people’s individuality. I can’t just be in relationship with people who are just like me. Some of my favorite people are not like me at all and I love them just the same, in spite of our differences. Those relationships, in particular, challenge me to desensitize myself to offense and be more secure.
But there is a strong distinction between desensitizing myself to offense and numbing myself to bad behavior.
Desensitizing myself to offense is like when I moved from Lithonia to Reynoldstown and realized on my morning walks that everyone didn’t do the little head nod greeting that I was used to on my morning walks before. But I quickly realized that it’s not a sign that my neighbors hate me, but that there could simply be a difference in how these residents interact with each other. It’s not bad behavior, it’s just the way they are.
I love talking on the phone. I have some friends that don’t, and I used to take that to mean they hated me. Then I realized it had nothing to do with me and that if I want to talk on the phone, I — thank God — have plenty of wonderful people who would love to chit chat on the phone with me. What I took for rejection, I pressed into gratitude: one relationship may not be like the others, but that’s okay because there are others. Or if I’m feeling particularly secure, I could simply express a need I have to the person I’m in relationship with. I could’ve said “Hey! I’d really love if we could talk on the phone more because it’d make me feel more connected to you. Would you be open to that?” That way, I redirect what I could’ve taken as an offense, investigate the real underlying need, and communicate appropriately.
In contrast, numbing myself to bad behavior is like when I used to get stood up a lot. There was a season of my life where people’s actions were making me feel disregarded and unvalued and I hated feeling that way, but I accepted it because I wanted to spend time with people. So I allowed the behavior to continue without saying a word. It took me a long time to realize that if I don’t want to be treated that way, I have got to communicate that to the people in my life or else I risk breeding resentment and anger.
Last month, my sister bailed hours before a small potluck I invited her and a few other friends to because she’d had a long week at work and didn’t feel like coming. It hurt because I had really been looking forward to hosting her and her last minute cancellation made me feel like she didn’t care. It was also the latest in a string of last minute cancellations to various hangouts. The consistent flakiness was the bad behavior.
So when she unexpectedly visited my house the next day, I sat her down and told her how this pattern of behavior made me feel and what I was going to do about it. I communicated how I felt, heard her perspective, and set a boundary. We didn’t agree on everything, but we understood each other better and walked to Jeni’s after. No fall out, no big argument, no drama. Just communication, clarity, and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
This was one of the first times I had ever called out bad behavior without being afraid that the relationship would end. I moved from a place of security, confidence, and mutuality. I didn’t “move accordingly,” a popular albeit avoidant approach many people have to bad behavior which is just skipping to the boundary part without the communication or perspective sharing.
Our relationship is better for it and it was an excellent practice for me in boundary setting, clear communication, and being a secure person.
So what about you, dear reader? What bad behaviors can you call out for what it is? Is there a conversation you can spark? Some clarity you can provide? A boundary you can communicate and set? How would that improve your relationship?
Bad behavior is bad behavior, my friend. And don’t let anyone convince you differently. Call it like you see it, stay curious, and be open.
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