Rejection ain't easy, but it ain't gotta be that hard.
I hope that you’re the one
If not, you are the prototype
- from “Prototype” x Outkast
Rejection is a reality that comes for us all. Whether it’s professional or interpersonal, hearing “no” when you wanted a “yes” is not going to feel good. But while it definitely can hurt, you don’t have to linger on that pain. On the contrary, that pain can lead you to a place of growth, acceptance, and power. May I share with you three tactics to help you navigate rejection without losing yourself along the way.
It's easy to be angry at whoever rejected you and take it personally. It's hard to accept that their rejection, no matter how it affects you, is still their choice. If we are able to rise above the initial hurt from being rejected long enough to see the people behind the rejection as humans who deserve the ability to choose, then we are in better position to respect them even if we don't agree with them. It eases the hurt when you can be empathetic and recognize that most folks are making decisions based on what they think is best for them, even if it doesn't turn out so great for you. And if they've been nasty or hurtful in how they rejected you, you don't have to respect them but you do still have to respect their decision. How? By disconnecting the message from the messenger and recognizing their choice is still valid even if you don’t like the delivery.
After I was laid off, I reached the final stage for a few really exciting roles. All but one of those final stages ended in a rejection. It hurt not only because I really needed a job, but because I felt that I had put my best self forward and that I was truly a great fit for the role. As the job hunt progressed, I realized that these hiring managers have to do what is best for their team. I had to be okay if that meant they would (and did) choose another candidate over me. I began to understand that rejection isn't always personal. Their rejection of me was a reflection of their needs, not my worth. I remembered that I can be a great designer and still not be exactly what this particular company needed at that time. And I learned to respect that.
To prevent wallowing in the feelings of rejection, it's important to understand the full context of what that rejection means for you. It is indeed a door closed, but it can also be an opportunity for you to shift your focus and open yourself up to other opportunities that may be just as exciting, if not more. And eventually, with time and a healthy imagination, you're able to realize just how vital that rejection was in order to get you to the next step of your journey. You may even be grateful for that rejection, as you become aware with time that what you wanted initially actually wasn't what was best for you.
Don't nobody know rejection better than a chronic crush girly! I've had many a crushes in my life, some expressed, others in silence, but most of the time they end in rejection either way. How, you may ask, am I still standing with an ounce of dignity and a dash of hope for a positive romantic future? Delusion? Faith? Both of those, for sure. But in those truly heart-wrenching moments of rejection from a person I liked is exactly when I force myself to acknowledge that being rejected by this crush is only getting me closer to the partnership I pray for. I imagine a future state in which I have succeeded and I become aware of the necessary role this rejection may play in getting me there. I'm goin tell you right now, it don't hurt no less, but it helps over time.
A non-romantic example? A few months before the COVID-19 pandemic, I was rejected for an internship at the Tokyo Olympics that I was perfect for. Little did I know that the Olympics would be postponed for a year. That rejection hurt, but it also led me to apply to other summer internship opportunities. The internship I ended up with changed everything for me and led me to the career I have today. As the summer progressed, I realized I was exactly where I needed to be and that rejection played a key role in getting me there.
It's easy to allow your feelings of disappointment, pain, embarrassment, or even shame, to prevent you from expressing how the rejection actually made you feel. It's easy to delete that rejection email from the hiring manager and never speak to them again. And I'm not even going to say that that's wrong. What I am saying is that there's a more powerful way forward.
You have a voice in your rejection, even if it's not your decision. Don't use that beautiful voice of yours to try to convince them to reconsider their decision, because that's not respecting their agency. What you can use that voice for is to ensure that they know how you feel. I'm not saying go off on them, but I'm saying give yourself the space to be heard, even if it feels even more embarrassing to speak up and show you cared at all. Express your disappointment in not being selected for the role, but share that you wish their team the best in the future. Tell that crush that you're sad that you can't be together, but you hope they find exactly what they're looking for in a partner. Be honest, respectful, and brief, but make sure your feelings are heard while the time is right.
If you don’t communicate how you feel, you may find those feelings pressurizing within you, turning bitter and sour and negatively impacting your emotional and mental wellbeing.
Once upon a time, I felt rejected and disregarded by someone I cared about and respected. The rejection pained me deeply, but I held my tongue as I was afraid to embarrass myself any further; being rejected by someone I thought cared about me brought plenty of shame on its own. But by holding my tongue, I was internalizing the rejection, which only intensified the feelings of shame over time. Eventually, when I couldn’t hold it any longer, I vocalized to them how their rejection made me feel. I didn't expect it to change anything, as I had already decided to respect their agency, but it was important (and healthy) to get it off me so I could move forward, even if they didn't want to move forward with me. I was able to respect their agency and my feelings at the same time without compromising one for the other. I was lighter at the end of it and vocalizing how I felt actually led to understanding and critical conversation. Miraculously, the relationship was restored to an even better place, but even if nothing changed, the important part was that those feelings were out of me and I didn’t have to carry them as a burden anymore.
There exists a temptation for many of us to protect ourselves from rejection altogether. We convince ourselves that removing the chance of rejection, even if it removes the chance of victory, is worth the cost. And I'll be honest, sometimes it is, depending on where you're at and how your own risk/reward analysis works out. But if you find yourself trying to protect yourself either actively or passively from rejection, you must be aware that you also may be hindering your capacity for growth, joy, and progress by trying to control the outcome.
Active self-preservation in the face of rejection is withdrawing ahead of rejection before it even happens. To take back control of your own fate, you reject yourself before someone else gets the opportunity to. This can look like refusing to host a birthday dinner so no one has the chance to decline the invitation or cancel the day of. Or self-sabotaging while you're dating someone so that the other person never gets the chance to ghost you.
Passive self-preservation in the face of rejection is denying your feelings in order to protect yourself from the sting of rejection. It's feigning nonchalance and pretending to not care enough for rejection to matter to you at all. This can look like convincing yourself that you’re not really looking for anything serious so that if you're rejected, you can say you never wanted a partnership to begin with. It's keeping your friendships shallow and telling yourself you don't need close friends, so if you start feeling left out, you can brush it off by saying you weren't looking for deep connections anyway. This is another way to exert control over a situation at the cost of optimism and joy.
Rejection often feels outside of our control, but we can control how we process it. If you’re going into a conversation and you know things may not go your way, be sure to have a care plan for immediately after. This is a great time to engage your support system and your own self-soothing techniques.
Know you have a big talk coming up with the person you’re dating and it may go south? Ask your best listener friend if you can debrief after in case you need someone to talk to. Got a meeting scheduled with your boss to see if you got that promotion? Have a walk scheduled right after so no matter what happens, you’ll already have the space you need to work through it.
I know it’s hard, bestie. Rejection ain’t easy. It ain’t fun. It ain’t glamorous. But it is finite. It will end. It is not bigger than you. It cannot consume you, unless you allow it. It is not the end for you. Its sting does not last forever. Rejection is merely a part of our reality, a fact of life we must accept, a redirection towards the things meant for us, and an experience we can all get better at navigating.
Chin up, dear. There is victory at the end of this. The faster we pivot, the faster we can get on with the rest of our lives.
And if that ain’t good news, I don’t know what is.
