That's your bestie for the restie but y'all can't talk about money??? Something ain't right. Let's fix that.
Sometimes it seems that way to me
It's easier to love, don't you see
from "Easier to Love" (1979) by Sister Sledge
We are in the midst of a pocket watching crisis, which is really a trust crisis. We are also in the midst of people feeling like they can’t afford their friends, which is really a communication crisis. And worst of all, dear reader, we are falling deeper into a reality where in place of care and understanding, there is fear and shame. That, my friend, is a community crisis.
Adult friendships exist at the intersection of trust, honesty, and love. They require a lot of work to be maintained and a lot of intention to grow. As money is an unavoidable part of our experience in this Western industrialized capitalistic society, so is it unavoidable in our relationships with each other. This is why it is vital to move through all of this with integrity and truth as a service to ourselves and others.
So how do you do that? Next time you’re navigating a money conversation with a friend, try these five tools to encourage truth and care.
Make peace with your own financial situation and goals. Only you know what is best for your finances. It is you who is solely responsible for your financial wellness. So get very clear about what you’ve got going on and understand what that means for you. You’re trying to buy a house next year? You’re trying to pay off that credit card by the end of this quarter? You’re looking to shift careers? These are all huge financial matters that will impact how you spend money on a daily basis. Get clear on what you have and what you’re striving for and what you need to do to get there.
Another part of being self-aware is understanding that your situation is not your friend’s situation. That may be your bestest friend in the whole wide world but your financial goals may not be the same. Avoid overspending to keep up with them or getting annoyed with them when they communicate they’re on a different budget than you. You are not your friend. You are you, the sole steward of the bank account with your name on it.
It’s hard to tell the truth about your money because so much of the culture around us encourages dishonesty. It has told us that the only time you can tell other people about your money is when you’re ballin and you have something to stunt on people with. It feels like under no other circumstances are you allowed to talk about money because it’s taboo or people will judge you or use that information against you.
And I'll let you know now, some of that isn't unfounded. Some people will judge you based on your income. But when it comes to your friends, dear, I hope you're surrounded by people who love you for who you are, regardless of your financial situation.
Assuming that to be true, being honest with your friends about your finances can yield far more good than bad. Honesty allows space in your friendship for your friends to exercise understanding and compassion to support you as you pursue your goals. This is not them pitying you or “getting all up in your business.” This is you giving your friends the opportunity to accommodate you and root for you as you strive for your goals. But they can’t do any of that if you’re not honest with them first.
For example, say your friends have invited you to dinner for the third time this quarter. You know you can’t afford that prix fixe dinner they invited you to because you were self-aware enough to analyze your own budget and financial goals. But because you haven’t communicated clearly, they don’t know that the dinner isn’t in your budget right now. You may have even made up excuses that aren’t true just to get out of being honest and saying no directly. So now, not only do they not know the truth, but your friends are believing a lie you never had to tell.
You have to be honest with yourself first (this is not something I can do right now) and clearly communicate that to your friend (I can’t do this, baby. I’m sorry but thank you for the invite.) That allows them to support you in ways they see fit. That could be paying for your meal, offering to go to a different restaurant of your choice, or inviting you to a wine night at their home. You don’t even have to tell them the circumstance or the goal that’s keeping you from that dinner, but in my experience, sharing that information creates a really supportive environment.
But this only really works if 1) your friends love you for who you are and 2) your friends trust you at all.
The partner to honesty is trust. You can be as honest as you want to be with someone, but if they are dedicated to distrusting you, it’ll be very hard to remedy that.
I have a lot of thoughts about trust that perhaps I’ll document here on the blog one day, but the one most related to friendships and finances is if you love your friends, don’t pocket watch them.
For the sake of everyone in the room, pocket watching is when you draw conclusions about someone else’s financial capabilities based on what you see from the outside. People may pocket watch to support an idea they already had about a person or to project their personal ideas about money onto other people. It’s easier to pocket watch your friend when you didn’t trust them to begin with than it is to take them at their word. It’s easier to pocket watch your friend when you already don’t agree with how they spend their money than it is to trust they know what's best for them.
Once upon a time, while I was executing my travel season, I was invited on a trip that I couldn’t afford. I told the hosts as much and expressed my regret at having to decline. The hosts mistook my inability to go as a disinterest in going at all, using my prepaid travel season as fuel for that narrative.
Their narrative about my money was supported by context they gathered from social media, neglecting the truth that I offered initially. It took a few conversations and demonstrations of love to wear that narrative down, but because we all remained open to the truth, love won the day in the end.
The risk of pocket watching is you’re likely drawing a conclusion with far less context than you think. Just because you see your friend do something or have something doesn't mean you know where they got that item from, how much it cost, or if they paid for it at all. If something you see or hear really starts to bug you, ask about it gently before you start writing narratives about them in your mind.
Trust your friends when they tell you about their money. They said they couldn’t come to your dinner, so they ain’t coming. Update the reservation, thank them for letting you know, and move on.
A key downfall to relationships across tax brackets is a lack of creativity. If the only thing you can come up with to hang out with your friends is to split an overpriced section at a club or dine at the most expensive restaurant in the city every weekend or leisure for a week or two in St. Moritz, then darling I hate to say this, but I don’t think you know your friend (or yourself) very well.
If your friend can’t come out with the rest of the group this weekend because they’re trying to save money for something, don’t just avoid hanging out with them altogether. Think of things you can do with them that don’t cost a ton of money. Get creative and, if you’re lucky, you may just live in a city where you don’t have to get that creative at all. Your city or one nearby likely has plenty of free or low-cost activities that aren’t the club or a grass wall, neon lights brunch restaurant.
I don’t know what your friends like, you’ll have to ask them. But as for me and my besties? We love a good #girlwalk in a park or on a trail. We love a good click clack session at a cafe. We love just sitting in each other’s face after 6 months of not seeing each other. We cherish a movie night and I, specifically, adore a trivia night at a cute bar or a good paddle down a river in the summer months. But we also love a good Michelin-star restaurant, box seats to a sport none of us understand, or as spring begins to sprung, a nice dash overseas to see an opera or ballet.
If your definition of fun exclusively equals expensive, consider what that means for you and what impact that may have on how diverse your relationships can be.
Regardless of how much you make in comparison to your friends, everyone is capable of opening the floor for conversation with love and understanding.
Everyone won’t always be vulnerable to the same degree, but creating space in your friendship where people feel safe enough to discuss their finances as much or as little as they want is an excellent step towards removing shame and stigma around the traditionally taboo topic of money. Reiterate to your friend that you love them regardless of their tax bracket and then (here’s the kicker) actually love them in whatever tax bracket they’re in. Love them before the career pivot. Love them after the layoff. Love them before the promotion. Love them while they’re paying off that loan. Love them while they’re job hunting. Show your friends you care about them outside of what they can afford and keep that same energy if/when it changes!
Finally, let me remind you that you are not your salary! Your friend is not their budget! You are not the things you can or cannot afford. You are a whole person with interests, insights, talents, and experiences that make you more than worthy of love and community regardless of how much money you make. Don’t take what someone else does with their resources personally. Don’t take offense when someone spends their money differently than you would. Everyone’s just trying to do their best with what they’ve got. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your friends. See the humanity in yourself. See the humanity in your friends.
Thalia, 24, loves her friends in real life and prays you do too.
