Three steps to stop punking out of the life you want
During a long night drive down 285 in the fall of last year, I realized that I was a punk.
It settled upon me rather abruptly, with nothing in particular evoking the epiphany. I just, in an instant, realized that though I strive to present as a brave and fearless person – which in many spaces, I am – in the places that it really counts, I am indeed a punk.
And not until I sat down and journaled about it that evening did I decide that I was going to do something about it. I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight, but I also knew that the life that I so desperately wanted to live, the life I knew I was capable and being called to live, was simply on the other side of pulling myself together and doing it scared.
It wasn't easy. I'm still working on it all these months later. But after months of toil, I can confidently say that it is through bravery and faith that I will be able to step into the fullest, most unabridged version of me and live the life I was put here to live.
First of all, let's define what a punk is for everyone in the room.
A punk is someone who lives a life led by fear.
This does not apply to anyone who has fears, because fears are very natural and valid parts of how we experience the world around us. It is very normal and okay to be afraid of things, pain, hurt, disappointment, or any other spooky things. But where it runs into punk territory is when you allow fear to guide how you move, live, interact, and problem-solve. When you live from a place of fear and when you make "what ifs" your center, then you drastically limit your capacity for success, victory, and self-realization.
Punking out of things may cost you everything you ever wanted, everything you've worked towards, and everything you prayed for. Fear can become a thief in your life if you don't acknowledge it for what it is and leave it in its place.
Punking out may cost you the relationship you prayed for. Punking out may cost you the professional opportunity of a lifetime. Punking out could cost you blessings specifically made for you because you were not brave enough to step up and step out.
Being a punk is expensive and, if left unchecked, can lead to low self-esteem, which can cause a bunch of other objectively negative things to occur in your mental, emotional, spiritual, and social wellness bags.
Trust me, that's not what you want.
Instead, I implore you to find supportive community, engage in reflection, and practice sound risk analysis to move from punk to powerful with grace, light, and wisdom.
My journey as a recovering punk has been made infinitely easier because I have a community that does not play with me.
I have friends who if I only share one idea, one dream, one pitch deck, will gently and lovingly hold me accountable and push me when I'm feeling afraid. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who love me, who want to see me win, and have no problem encouraging me when they sense my punk tendencies resurfacing. They certainly don't handhold, but they will follow up with me to ask if I took that first step or check on my progress. If they have the capacity, they may even offer to support me in a tangible way, generously offering any connections or resources they have to give.
You too can have a community that pushes you closer to your goal. You simply must find people that like you for you, who understand where you want to go, and have a genuine interest in your overall wellbeing and success as a human being. I don't know you and your people, but I'm praying that you find yourself surrounded on every end by people like that very soon.
A huge factor of my punking out is that I'm afraid of doing new things.
I have very little issue galavanting any of these delightful seven continents. Travel is my thing. It is my comfort zone. It comes to me with ease and safety. It is not a stretch.
Renting an apartment, on the other hand? Being in a committed romantic partnership? Expressing my needs to my friends in vulnerable conversations? Whitney Houston voice "Impossible!"
These things are terrifying to me because I simply do not have the context for them. I don't know what I'm doing, they're new to me and that novelty for a long time felt extremely unsafe and dangerous and I avoided them at all cost despite the fact that I knew good and well that they were what I wanted in my life! If you've had a conversation with me at all in the last 10 years, we've likely talked about my hosting fantasies in my future space: Monet' Manor. Yet I write this very piece you're reading from my childhood bedroom. Why? I was a punk and I have never rented an apartment and I have no idea what to expect and that fear, in tandem with a lot of other factors, has kept me here.
But not for long. I toured an apartment I love. I plan to apply soon. It's crazy that I'm even writing that right now.
But the only way I was able to bring myself to even consider such a thing is to consider my track record.
It was only once I started listing all the reasons why I would be just fine that I felt more confident swapping fear for faith. I documented how I've exuded all the qualities of a very capable person who is well equipped to manage an apartment even though I've never actually done it. I documented all the past times that I've done something for the first time with little to no context (ex. the first international trip I took at 18 by myself??? like hello?) and really leaned into how I was okay, that God was with me then and is still with me now! I stopped focusing on what I didn't know, what I didn't have context for, and I focused on what I've already experienced and made it out of and the lessons I've already learned.
Once it clicked that I've been here, I've done this, and I'm capable of trying new things, I stopped being as afraid of change and novelty. I got out of my bubble. I grew up. I stopped playing with myself and made sure to keep note of every time breaking out of my comfort zone worked out, instead of just the times that it didn't.
Now there are people who do this for a living. I am not one of those people.
But what I've learned about fear is that it is really good at distorting your ability to accurately gauge the stakes of a matter.
Fear and anxiety create an environment where everything is a big deal, everything is do or die, everything is black and white, everything is opening night when in reality it's not even a dress rehearsal yet. And that habit, when left unchecked, creates a deep disconnect between reality and how reality feels to you.
When you're working to stop being a punk, it's incredibly important to analyze just how big of a risk are you taking actually?
You're punking out of a first date because you're afraid they're going to judge you for a part of your past...but baby, they don't even know your moon and rising yet.
You're shaking in your boots over replying to a recruiter on LinkedIn, when in reality you don't even know the salary range yet.
You're building resentment against a friend you love because you're punking out of having a difficult conversation about an unmet need, but in reality you know for a fact that the love in that friendship runs deep!
Even when the stakes are incredibly low, for punk-leaning people even the most minute experiences are deeply stressful; there will always be something to be afraid of.
But there doesn't have to be. Take stock of what's actually going on.
I don't know you, but I'm very confident when it comes to finding that palpable evidence (facts, data, hardcore proof), you'll find that the fear is rooted in nothingness, imaginary scenarios, and experiences long gone.
Write it down, make it plain, and allow the facts to set you free.
Let me be clear: choosing bravery in the face of fear does not mean you can just start jumping off every cliff you see expecting to suddenly start flying. If you aren’t moving from a place of both faith and preparation, you could risk unnecessary strife and pain.
For example, in my pursuit of Monet’ Manor, I’ve moved past the fear of what it’d look like for me to have my own apartment for the first time and navigate that experience. But I’m not foolish to the point where I’d just go sign a lease I haven’t financially prepared to pay for an apartment I haven’t even financially prepared to furnish. I’m still not quite at my goal, but I’m no longer a punk because we’re now moving with strategy and intention, rather than worry and fear.
Move boldly, but don’t just toss all inhibitions out the window. Meditate/pray on it, ask questions, journal about it, seek wise counsel, crunch the numbers, check your resources, and move boldly out of wisdom, not wishfulness.
I know, bestie, as a recovering punk myself, I am very deeply aware of how difficult and, well, terrifying it is to move out of the punk space. It's easy, it's safe, but it's also very literally stopping you from growing into the person you were meant to be.
And when you know what you're capable of, when you are very aware of just how much you're able to achieve, become, and experience, it's helpful to picture in your mind what life on the other side of fear looks like.
Take a long look at that picture, my friend. Burn it into your memory. That is you. That can be you. If you just choose bravery. If you just choose to do it scared. If you just choose to have a little, tiny bit of faith. If you just choose to acknowledge and appreciate fear as a very natural part of life, but not as the driver of your actions, then can't nobody stop you, baby.
You up. We up. No fear. Just facts, faith, and this beautiful blessing of a reality.
Ganbatte.
