Laura taught Betty taught Toni taught me
Note: Only four generations are mentioned in this piece, however the tradition discussed here actually begins with my great great grandmother, Ida Harrington (b. 1874). May her teachings live on and her legacy persist. Thanks to my grandmother, Betty Hassell, for the correction.
In December 2017, I traveled across the Atlantic Ocean to see my dear friend, Lucas, in Helsinki, Finland. I went to go see about him for two reasons: 1) I missed him sorely and 2) it was what I have been taught my entire life to do.
In September 2019, I traveled to New York City to see another dear friend, Ameerah, as she studied for a semester at Columbia University. I went to see her for two similar reasons: 1) I told her I would and 2) it was, yet again, what I have been taught to do.
I am the fourth generation of a lineage of women who go see about their people. And I cannot imagine what my relationships would look like otherwise.
Laura Toliver Jefferson (affectionately known as Mama Laura) was born in 1902 in Columbia, South Carolina, and she is my oldest point of reference for what it means to see about your people.
According to my mother, Mama Laura would go see about anyone in her community without hesitation. Sometimes it was because she knew something was wrong, as in those days the “Sick and Shut In” list was paid close attention to. And other times, she just wanted to see with her own eyes that you were doing alright. And she did that, not because she was nosey. She had 11 children aged 2 months to 23 years old to think about, sons overseas at war, and a community to advocate for. She ain't had no time to be worrying about what nobody else had going on. But what she did have time for was to check on the people she cared about. To lay eyes on them. To see about them.
As a result, her second youngest daughter, Betty, took up the same practice. When her best friend from undergrad, Minnie, moved to Alaska in the early 80s, Betty went to go see about her and stayed for a few weeks. She brought Minnie frozen liver pudding as any good friend would, and in return, Minnie took her fishing near some glaciers. Beyond the fishing, I can imagine she did with Minnie what I did with Lucas and Ameerah. I imagine Minnie took her around, showed her some restaurants, acquainted her with her neighborhood, and talked at length about how she was really doing. If you've ever had a friend come see about you or gone to see about a friend, you know that sometimes you get a different answer from what they'd say over FaceTime. Sometimes you gotta see them with your own two eyes and hear them in real-time to make sure they're doing alright.
This generational expression of care was then passed down to my mother, who insisted I go along with her and Betty to see about our family and family friends across the country. Just as she had done with Laura.
I've been carried down to Florida to check on a widowed cousin of ours with chickens in her backyard. I've been in tow to visit Betty's last living brother in New York City. But more than anything, I've been instructed by Betty and her descendants to continue the practice on my own.
One of my favorite American cities is Chicago, Illinois. It also happens to be the home of my second cousin, Elijah, an architect in Lincoln Park. His grandfather is Betty's elder brother. And though we never really hung out much as children, I can never book a flight to MDW without at least THREE people calling my phone talking bout
"Did you call Elijah?" - my mama
"Make sure you go see about Elijah when you're up there." - my auntie
"Call ya cousin before you leave, Lia." - Betty
And it doesn't stop there! I spent my 2018 fall break in Denver, Colorado and was, naturally, instructed to call a family friend who lives up there. When I told my mother that there was no way I'd have time to see her, she shared something very poignant with me: all you gotta do is call.
This isn't about just seeing them physically. Sometimes people are busy and if you already have a pretty tight itinerary and y'all can't make the time to see each other, that's okay. But what you have to do is at least call. Call to let them know you're in their city. Call to check on them. Call so they know that you see them and you care about them. This isn't about going to get dinner, though that'd always be nice. This is about communicating to the other person that you care about them enough to check in and that you value the relationship enough to let them know what you got going on.
Now, where I think it's important to draw a distinction is going to see somebody and going to see about somebody.
Whenever I go to Finland, I go to see Lucas and see about him. But when I go to Chicago, I usually just go see about Elijah.
Did you catch that?
Going to see somebody means the primary purpose of your trip is to spend time with them. Meaning I booked this trip to this city mainly for the purpose of spending time with you.
Going to see about somebody means you want to go lay eyes on them and make sure they’re alright. It can be done while going to see them or it can be more brief and doesn’t have to be the reason for your trip. That sounds like “I may be in this city for another purpose, but I'd really love to meet up before I go.” That can be just a couple of hours or maybe a day, checking in, catching up, and then going back to the rest of the itinerary without them. Whether it’s done in tandem with seeing them or just on its own, seeing about somebody expresses care and invests time into a relationship that's likely a long-distance one.
Now I'll pause here to acknowledge that this practice I am living has been instilled in me by the examples of three southern, Christian Black women. I get that in other regions, cultures, and families, this practice maybe isn't reality. Therefore, I cannot expect people to interact with me the same way I'd interact with them. It's not that they care for me any less or that they don't value our relationship. It just simply may mean that they didn't have a Laura, Betty, and Toni with over a collective century of a legacy to inform how to sustain relationships and engage with community in this particular way.
So I don't hold nothin to nobody if they don't come see about me. But I know for a fact that if I'm in yo city, baby I'm goin call you. I'm goin text you. I'm goin let you know. Now will we have time to go skydiving or get tea? Maybe, maybe not. But that's not the point.
The point is that I care about you enough to make time -- whether that's a week or two hours -- to connect with you and to show you I care about you.
A few months after high school, my best friend had just moved across the literal Atlantic Ocean and was about to spend Christmas up there by himself. There was no way in the world I was gonna not go see him. He didn't ask me to come, but that's what Laura, Betty, and Toni's teachings implored me to do:
Go see about your people when you can, because there will come a day when you can't go see about them no more.
However, I’m not going to pretend that going to see your friends, especially when they are far away, is easy or cheap. As much as I try to upkeep this practice in my life, circumstances sometimes won’t allow for a flight, lodging, and maybe a rental car. I had to miss a very, very special moment for two people I love very, very much because the math wasn’t mathing for me to go see them. That was painful, fr. Not being able to go see your people when you wanted to so badly. Humbling, for sure.
But Lord knows when I get it, I’m gone.
So whether it's going to see them and/or going to see about them, mailing them a letter, traveling together, or whatever you and your village do, I hope you are telling each other you love each other in the ways that matter to y'all. I hope you're investing in your relationships and putting in the work to sustain them. I hope you're connecting to your community in times of abundance and times of need.
I hope someone comes to see about you very soon.
<3
