And I want you to know
I will never be that mean to you, no
- from Perhaps x Asiatica
Note to you, my dearest reader: this piece is an edited journal entry from an evening in August immediately after a rather triggering series of unfortunate events. I'm pleased to inform you that since this piece was written, ya girl is actively working towards a more secure attachment style so she can have healthier relationships with the people around her. She's currently learning about co-creating safe relational environments with others through communication instead of turning inward and away from conflict in the interest of self-preservation. Anxious/avoidant attachment girlies, stand up! This one for youuuu <33
Have you ever felt like the way people treat you just isn't the way you want to be treated and there’s nothing you can do about it?
Have you ever been in community with people you respect and admire, yet somehow feel more ignored than inspired, disregarded than honored in the way you honor them?
Have you ever felt out of place? Despite every effort to be at home in your body, your life, your calendar, your itinerary, your clothes, your routine, your everything? Have you not seen yourself there?
Have you ever felt imperceptible in the thoughts of your friends, in the considerations of your community, in the reflection of the eyes of the person you're holding a conversation with? Have you ever looked and not seen? Sought and not found?
I have asked myself these very questions through tears hot with frustration and had to really grapple with the question of the hour:
Is it me? Is it something I’m doing that’s creating moments when it is I who is often left unheard, unregarded, uncared for, and unfulfilled in relationships of all types I’m trying to build?
Because, in my first mind, it must be something about me makes people think I’m not worth regarding or considering. Something that paints me as so unworthy of respect from people I want to be in relationship with.
But upon some internal searching for that “thing,” I discovered I may be asking the wrong question. Perhaps it has nothing to do with me at all.
Perhaps it’s above me.
Perhaps someone didn’t stand me up for two hours because they don’t respect me. Hm, they could just not respect anyone’s time and I am no exception to that.
Perhaps they didn’t get absolutely wasted on our first date because they don’t respect me. Hm, they could genuinely just not know how to manage their alcohol.
Perhaps they didn’t text me back for several months because they don’t want to be friends with me anymore. Hm, they could’ve…?
Perhaps the reason behind the behavior doesn’t matter at all because the harm was already done, even if there is resolution after.
Because in reality, I shouldn’t feel the need to make excuses for other people in the first place. Especially when those speculations just usurp the space I owe myself for my own feelings and my own safety. At that point, I need to step up for myself and protect myself from those kind of experiences. Even if there’s a whole lot of love there, there’s not a whole lot of care. One cannot make up for the other.
You and I deserve to be considered.
You and I deserve to be cared for by those we’re in relationship with.
You and I deserve to be cared for by those we care for.
You and I deserve requited love and friendship.
You and I deserve relationships that are safe and mutual.
You and I deserve respect.
Your time and mine deserve to be respected.
Your boundaries and mine deserve to be defended.
You and I are worthy of relationship and community.
You and I are worthy.
And when those facts feel distant and a storm feels imminent, I turn that phone and every electronic off and go lay down like my grandma used to make me do when storms came through.
Olivia was on to something. When a storm is passing over, turn everything off, lay down, and just listen. Let the thunder roll you to sleep. And if you're lucky, you'll wake up to a rainbow and clear blue skies.
Perhaps there are techniques we can implement to better communicate to our people when they’ve made us feel less than worthy. Perhaps there’s a strategy to self-soothe, engage our support system, and utilize self-care techniques to recover from particularly sharp jabs to our self-worth. Perhaps there’s a barometer we can use that helps us know when to work towards a solution, when to lay down to let the storm pass over, and when to pack up and leave.
Perhaps, my dear. Perhaps.
Thalia, 24, is learning to stand up for herself in interpersonal relationships where her needs are not being met. She's slowly releasing her avoidant approach to experiences by rejecting the need to speculate about the behavior of others in favor of cultivating safe, honest, clear, and vulnerable communication.
