No one's love is worth shucking and jiving for.
Love is not a performance. It is not something I must perform for or audition for. It is not something I must jump through hoops and perform acrobatic extensions of my physical, mental, and emotional self in order to receive. No, love is not a reward for doing one thing or another on an arbitrary deadline. It is not a hefty performance bonus at the end of the year or a carrot stick driving me forward. Love is not obligatory or compulsory. It cannot – and should not – be coerced. It is not something for which I have to appeal for every single day, with fear that it can be taken from me as easily as it is given.
That is manipulation.
To withhold love because a task was not completed, a favor wasn't done, a plan didn't pan out, or even a debt was left unpaid – with the idea that withholding that love will make someone do what you want – is emotional abuse.
But that is not what love should be.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is often quoted when discussing love: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love cannot rejoice with the truth and be manipulative at the same time. Love cannot be patient and short-tempered at the same time. Love cannot always persevere and subject to the fleeting whims of the human moods at the same time. If love keeps no record of wrongs, then it cannot punish for missed expectations.
Love is not self-seeking, so it can't go tit for tat. It cannot be grudgeful. It cannot be in when things are good and out when things are bad.
Love should not depend on labor. Love, genuine love, is given freely, not earned.
Most children are given a love they physically cannot earn. In healthy homes, children are cared for and protected, not because they somehow deserved it, but as a result of the love of their family.
I love my friends, not because they earned something or did me a favor, but because I have chosen to freely give my love to them. I do not withhold my love if they're not free to get me from the airport or if they can't come to my dinner party or if they can't help me drop my car off at the mechanic.
I could do all the favors you ask, make all the invitations you share, and do everything exactly as you'd want me to and hate you. The performance you require of me could be done as deceivingly well out of hate as it could be done out of love. So do not measure love by acts alone. Your enemy could flatter you. Your nemesis could pick you up from the airport. Better yet, a complete stranger could watch your dog not out of love for you but out of the payment they know they will get for it.
If you want a stellar performance, perfect all the time, on-demand, tens across the board, that does not require love neither is it sustainable for real relationships with real people. I guarantee you I will disappoint you at some point. You'll ask me to do something that I won't be able to do at that moment. I will let you down, not because I do not love you, but because I am human and I am not perfect and neither are you.
There is no checklist for love. "If you do items A, B, and C, then I will love you. But if you fail to do C, my love for you is gone." If my love for you is that fragile, then it is simply not love at all.
I did not say love is not accountable. I hold my people accountable because I love them. Accountability is an extension, an outpouring of love. Disciplining even ourselves is an act of self-love. Calling people in from harmful behaviors without judgement. Other people calling you in from your own harmful behaviors without you retaliating defensively. Shifting the nature of a relationship for the emotional/physical safety of one or more of the people involved is love.
Love is a choice. It is a decision. It is the natural consequence of acknowledging and valuing the humanity of another, and going beyond that acknowledgment to true delight, support, and care.
Love without expectation. I'm not saying to pursue unrequited relationships (that's not very loving to yourself, now is it?) But if you're going to go as far as to say you love someone, there ought to not be any strings attached if you do.
I will not audition for your love. I will not read my lines and do my dance and sing my tune so that you will love me. I will not do things out of fear that if I do not, you will not love me.
No one's love is worth shucking and jiving for. I will extend myself for those I love, yes. I will be generous in all I have and do for those I love, absolutely. But when I'm unable to serve or do favors or write those birthday cards or do what is asked of me or go above and beyond at the drop of a hat, I don't deserve punishment as a recourse for that.
The ways that I express my love are not done so that you will love me.
They are done because I love you.
Thalia, 25, is loved by the Creator of the heavens and the earth (and SO ARE YOU). We literally don't have to do this.
