A late night drive down 285 turned out to yield one of the most powerful realizations I've had in the last few months. I wrote about it, naturally.
A journal entry from Sep 30, 2023
Thalia, dear, I think you're afraid of change. You're afraid to take risks. You're afraid to go too far and not be able to turn around. You're scared to jump because you don't know what's going to happen after you jump. So you take your calculated, minimized, controlled risks. You go on these adventures that have an end date, a return flight. You frame your creative risks as self-serving to avoid the pressure or feeling of failure. You resign yourself to what you know you're good at and only branch out when you know no one's going to take you very seriously.
You'd spend 3 months in Barcelona, a city you've only spent 10 days in, but are afraid to get an apartment in the city you've lived in your entire life. I ask you again, what are you afraid of ? Does it feel permanent? Does it feel lonely? Too many eyes are here, too many people are watching so if you fail it will be a spectacle? You know who you are on a trip, but who are you in your own home? You have absolutely no clue. Are you afraid of who that is? Are you afraid of becoming her, or releasing the current you, and therefore delaying the change as long as you can with every excuse you can?
"I don't make enough," girl yes you do. You really do, you know you do, yet you lean into this language of lack because it feels comforting to have a "logical" reason to not pursue the true risks in your life. Do you make as much as you did before? No. But when you made what you made before you still said "I don't make enough" so now I know you just lying to yourself. You make enough, you're just afraid to spend your money differently. You're, perhaps subconsciously, clinging to the financial lenses of your parents that simply cannot help you here. Their perceptions of cost of living and expenses and debt to income ratios aren't very helpful to you, my dear, because they were buying houses and cars in a very different economy than you are today. They can't help you as much as you'd like, so retire their dated understanding of the matter at hand and look at it with your own two eyes.
What can you do? What do you need? How can you get it? There are no perfect answers. But there is the Will of God. Seek that first and foremost in everything. And stop being a punk. Because punking out is only going to cause you to further miss out on the life the Lord has given and died for you to live. Jesus said He came for you to have life and life more abundantly and all I hear from you is what you can't afford, what you can't do, and what is stopping you from doing the things you enjoy. You know what excuses are, shawty. Leave them where they're at and move on. You got far more to do.
