A journal entry inspired by a train of thought that came to me during a rainy Tuesday afternoon walk.
Baby, I know that you don't see yourself as one of them
But honestly, girl, I believe that you're a hundred out of ten
You've been going through some things (I want you to feel better)
If you're feeling cold (here put on my sweater)
But when you're feeling down (I hope you can remember)
I hope you can remember this
Donchano (donchano), you're beautiful (beautiful)
You're different (different), unusual (unusual)
I love your style (love your style), so original (original)
Seem so unreal (so unreal), like you're mythical (mythical)
from Donchano by Steve Lacy
Why is it that you want a partner again? Let me rephrase. Why is it that you're sad about not having a partner? It's certainly not because you're lonely. You have the social calendar of your dreams. A calendar, I might add, that is as you as it can possibly be, filled with aligned activities and familiar faces and the assurance that at least one person in the room, but oftentimes many more, loves you dearly. So no, my dear, you certainly aren't lonely. You frankly have far too robust of a community to feign loneliness as the cause. What else, then?
Might I suggest that you're trying to prove something? What might that be? Perhaps you're sad about being single because you think that others will view your singleness as a sign that something about you is wrong, unworthy, or broken. Dare I say, you're sad about being single because it is you who thinks that your singleness is a sign that something about you is wrong, unworthy, or broken. You keep quiet during conversations about romantic relationships. You grimace when someone asks you how dating is going. Perhaps you thought this was because you didn't want them to know your relationship status and thus conjure their own assumptions as to why. But, maybe the real reason is that you don't want to admit it yourself and face the own inferences you've made about what being single says about you.
Your sadness is certainly not about your incapability of being single. Ha! You've spent far more of your adult life single than you have dating another human being, my dear, so that seems quite unlikely. Respectfully.
Which leads me back to my original question: Why do you want a partner? Why does being single feel like something shameful to you? Is it because you've tried and failed so many times and you're embarrassed about that failure? Is it because you have a rooted fear that being the seed of two generations of divorcees has marked you as unlovable and incapable of ever having a successful romantic partnership of your own. Is it because you think that having a partner is the ultimate confirmation that you are indeed desirable enough to attract someone to actually pursue a partnership with you.
Maybe it's not anyone else you're trying to prove something to because in your heart of hearts you know for a fact that no one who you call friend thinks that you are broken or that something is inherently wrong with you or that you are not worthy. I think you're trying to prove it to yourself, but you're pointing to a myth that others are thinking the same thing. No one is doubting your lovability but you, sister. No one is out here like, "Dang, Thalia can't get a man to save her life, I wonder what's wrong with her." And if they are, they're no friend of yours!
So perhaps the answer to my question of why you are suddenly saddened by your singleness and feeling self-aware of the fact that you aren't dating anyone is because it reinforces the nasty, lying voice in the darkest places of your mind that claims you aren't worthy, you aren't good enough, and that you aren't the kind of person that people want to date.
You want to prove that voice wrong by dating someone who actually likes you. But can I tell you that that won't do a thing? Because then you'd attach your need for desirability to the success of this relationship and if the latter fails, the former will point the finger back at you. Been there, done that. You've already seen how that goes for you. Yet here you are.
You used to say that desirability is the only thing you cannot feel for yourself; that it is a state of being that is directly tied to the feelings of another person. You can be happy independent of anyone else, but desirability itself requires that you be desired by someone else. What happens if you let that go? What happens if you don't care about being desirable anymore? What happens if you just stop concerning yourself with things you cannot control? What happens if you just disconnect yourself entirely from the pursuit of desirability forever and never let it cross your mind again? I wonder, then, how much space in your mind and heart would be liberated for the consideration of things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Phil 4:8). I wonder then how less frequently sadness would pay you a visit.
Getting a partner won't solve your concern that you aren't good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, light enough, mainstream enough, stylish enough, maternal enough, feminine enough. Only you can prove that wrong. And the only one you have to prove it to is yourself. Stop paying attention to what everyone else got going on. Stop investigating what people in relationships are doing differently than you. I want you to focus your efforts on subverting the limiting belief that only a partnership will truly validate your worthiness, femininity, intelligence, or interests. I want you to, instead, work on believing in your bones that you are already validated, my dear. You are enough right now. I don't care who agrees with that, the only one I need to believe that is you! Every day. Not just when you're feeling good, but even when you do find yourself singled out (haha), when you feel overlooked, when you're the odd one out, the only single person in a space. I need you to believe that when the voices of lies grow louder in your mind, I need your conviction in your wholeness as an unequivocal truth to drown out the noise.
You've been at this far too long, my dear. Ask yourself. What good has pursuing desirability done for you?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Thalia got a haircut recently and maybe that was exactly what she needed to pull it tf together CUZ I'M TIDE, YOU HEAR ME??? EXHAUSTED REALLY OF FEELING LIKE THIS BRO AND I TRY AND I TRY AND I TRY SO HARD. This has been such a difficult freaking year, I DON'T NEED MY BRAIN TELLING ME IT'S MY FAULT I'M SINGLE TO ADD TO THE REST OF WHAT I GOT GOING ON, YOU HEAR ME??? I want to live. I want to live so bad. Unabridged. Unburdened. And this ONE burden has held me down so much since I was A CHILD. And I don't know how this got on me BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I'M GOIN MAKE SURE IT GETS OFF. This is MY LIFE. I don't have to feel like this. I am enough because God says I am enough. I am whole because He has made me whole. I am not broken, I shole ain't ugly (you've seen me??), I ain't perfect but who is?? I ain't got nothing to be ashamed of. I ain't got nothing to prove to nobody. And dating the most wonderful human being on the planet ain't goin do nothing for this. It's me. It's gotta be me.
