Over a cup of coffee, it dawned upon me that I must learn to be content and to love and live (in) the now. Otherwise, my thoughts will be so consumed with the future that I won't be able to see the beauty of the life in front of me.
Over a hot cup of coffee on a chilly Friday evening, I found myself thoroughly fatigued. It may have been because of the red-eye flight I'd taken the day prior, but I think my fatigue was the result of the incessant mental energy I exert over planning for the next, instead of living in the now.
Before we begin, I'll preface this piece with this: God has truly been good to me. Indisputably, my cup very much is running over and I simply have no choice but to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with.
But there are moments when I feel like there's so much more to do. The vision I have for the life I want to live is so clear in my mind, but so much of it requires trust, patience, growth, and faith. So much of it is very much outside of my control entirely. There are moments when all I seem to hear myself talk about is new ideas or approaches to achieving the next thing or reaching the next goal. And frankly, I've grown tired of hearing myself strategize and plan, especially on things I can't move on at all.
It's exhausting truly. To constantly think (and sometimes ask Google and my friends) "Oh, should I shoot my shot with this person?" "What if they're not into me?" "Have the interest rates decreased?" "Should I also look at condos?" "When will the long-range Model 3's be available?" "How much should I save for this?" "Do these emojis convey the right meaning?" "Which farm should I get a CSA share from?" "How much should I spend on groceries weekly?" "Is now the right time to hire a stylist?" "Am I eating enough protein?" "Maybe I should move abroad." "Maybe I should try a different dating app." "Have I plateaued in rowing class?" "Will they show up to the date they planned?" "How much should I save per month to have this specific thing by this specific time?" "What are some potential pitfalls in this plan?" "What if they hate me?" "Should I go to Chicago now?" "Or maybe next June will be better?" "What else can I be doing to get to where I want to go?" "Are they available?"
LIKE YOOOOO, IF YOU GOT ANNOYED READING THAT, CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT HOW ANNOYING IT MUST BE TO THINK IT.
And in those moments when I find my thoughts absorbed with things I can't control, it seems like I have forgotten the many gratitude exercises at my disposal. It seems like I have forgotten how to focus on the now and to trust that the "next" will come in due time. And this diversion of my focus feels like so much mental work for no reward. There is nothing that has come from the excessive thought I put toward things that I can't do anything about at the moment. Nothing but frustration and weariness. Thankfully, therapy has helped me reduce the frequency of these moments, but they still happen sometimes.
But over the very cup of coffee (with oat milk and vanilla syrup) mentioned earlier, I decided that I would no longer spend so much time and mental capacity on things that I cannot or am not willing to act on at the moment. I will instead, utilize those resources to thoroughly enjoy the life I have at the moment until the next comes to be.
Now, does that mean I can't aspire or dream or hope or plan at all? Absolutely not. I'll still be adding recipes to my Pinterest board for my future dinner parties in my future home. I'll still be following local animal shelters on Instagram and writing down names for my future dog(s). I'll still honor my imagination and the desires of my heart, but I simply will not bury my head in the details, timelines, and logistics. These ideals will not consume my thoughts and conversations. I will, instead, live.
I can allow myself to dream freely and think big without placing such heavy pressure on myself to get it done now. I can dream with patience, aspire with the understanding that everything will be ok, and pray with the knowledge that my next will be God's will, not mine.
But I think that's the easy part, honestly. The difficult-ish part that I'm learning these days is what to do with myself and my brain in the meantime. I'm learning how to truly focus on the now, this very moment, and to enjoy it. While some things may not be in the place I want, so many things are! And there's so much joy to revel in that. If I can just turn my attention away from what isn't and toward what is, then perhaps I can appreciate the beauty of the now more deeply.
And how might we do that in practice? We love real-time problem-solving, so let's brainstorm:
This will be a journaling exercise I'll do (and probs publish) at a later date, but the gist is that I must find other ways to fulfill the needs that these larger/loftier dreams are stemming from.
I speak often about how I have a vision for the life I want and how I see it with such impeccable clarity. But as I sat in a Las Vegas pool, it dawned upon me that the more life I live and the more things I see, the clearer and sharper that vision will become. I believe that God is revealing things to me with divine intention and timing. As I gain experience in the now, it will only further clarify my perspective on the future. I am gaining experience and wisdom that will undoubtedly come to be of great use in the next. It may even shape what the next is.
But in the meantime, it is absolutely integral that I keep living and doing and loving and trying and trusting and believing and learning and being and smiling and dancing and pushing and resting and crying and moving. It is essential.
Wow, another live brainstorming sesh. Glad y'all could peep into my brain a bit.
Before I conclude, I also want to make myself very clear. This sentiment is not about complacency. Complacency is uncritical satisfaction while contentment is simple happiness and satisfaction. Turning my focus to the now and finding joy in what is does not, in any way, mean that I will no longer be striving to achieve what will come in the next.
Learning to be truly content and happy with where I am doesn't mean I don't ever want to go further. It simply means that I am leaning into fulfillment and purpose while on the way to the next.
Cheers to living and loving (in) the now. Chin up, friends. <3
