When it comes to relationships, this is not the time to channel your inner artist. To save yourself some heartache, see people for exactly who they are, not who you want them to be.
Can't get you out of my head
- from "Out of Me Head" by Steve Lacy
You have to let people show you who they are. If you instead decide to hold them to an image you created of them, then you will find yourself frustrated and disappointed. Every time.
Lois Jones is an American artist famous for depicting the essence of emotion, energy, and social themes with her vibrant and internationally acclaimed paintings.
You, my friend, are not Lois Jones.
When people show you who they are and what they have to offer, it is not wise to paint a darling picture of them free of flaws and dangers. The pictures we paint of people will always be wrong and inaccurate eventually. It sets up relationships for failure.
We often paint people out to be perfect or at least perfect in the context of what we expect from them. This sounds like, they’re always nice, they’re always patient, they’re always so witty, they’re always so generous. It looks like creating this image of them in your head based on what you’ve experienced and expecting them to always show up exactly as you picture them. But in reality, they’re just a person. And when they fall beneath those expectations you set for them, then it is your fault, not theirs, when the cracks start to form in the picture you painted.
When their humanity is revealed, as it always is, the disappointment will be a result of the expectations you set for them, not those they agreed to on their own accord.
We paint pictures of people because we want to know what to expect. Relationships feel safer when you think you know the people around you. But the truth, as hard as it may be, is that we don’t know anyone as well as we think we do, and assuming we know people doesn’t give them very much room to change and grow.
This is for your parents. They are humans too and won’t always fit the picture you paint in your dazzling mind of who you want or need them to be. I’m telling you from experience that it’ll be less frustrating when you accept them for who they are, not who you wish they were.
This is for your manager. They are a person just like you. There will be times when they may disappoint you or not be there for you when you need them. But that doesn’t mean they’re a bad manager. It just means they’re a literal human being who just may not be able to meet your expectations and needs at the moment or perhaps ever. Understand that. See them for who they are and gather the information you need to make the best professional decision for you.
This is for your crush (all the chronic crush girlies make some noiiiiiise). Give that seemingly wonderful person the space and time to show you who they are. Don’t start leaping to conclusions about what they’re like and who they’ll be in your life. Don’t start painting a picture at all, especially when you don’t even know your subject very well to begin with. Remind yourself that this person is, indeed, a person and deserving of the room to express who they are to you just as much as you deserve the same opportunity. As a wise stranger once commented on a TikTok, “A crush is just a lack of information.” So if you don’t have any information whatsoever, pack up the art materials. Go get that information or let it go.
This is for your LS/LB, your partner, your coworker, your sibling-in-law, and anyone you’re in relationship with. If you start thinking you know people before you give them the chance to tell you who they are, you’ll be mad confused when what they have to say doesn’t sound like what you wanted to hear.
Acknowledge that they aren't responsible for being anyone but themselves, no matter who or what you want them to be. They owe you nothing, but especially not the version of them you want to see.
Imagine how crazy you would look trying to morph into a version of yourself that someone else created for you. The pictures other people paint of you have no impact on who you actually are. You should not have to morph into someone you are not. This ain't Hogwarts and you ain't never learned Transfiguration. That magic is not available to you, darling. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to make it so.
Give everyone the opportunity to show you who they are. And when that opportunity comes to you, keep it real, keep it organic, keep it human, keep it respectful, keep it aligned, keep it clear, and keep it honest with yourself and everyone involved about what you have to offer, what your needs are, and what your capacity is.
Being real with yourself about people and your relationship with them means acknowledging they may not ever be who you want them to be. This means looking at the canvas in front of you and understanding that whatever image you paint of them will never have any real-life implications on who that person actually is. If you paint them as thoughtful, but they show no thoughtfulness in real life, you were wrong before the brush hit the canvas. If they continue to show you how inconsiderate they are, yet you continue to paint them to be such an attentive and caring person because you want them to be, that pain and cognitive dissonance is on you, baby. Not them.
And here’s the tough part: trust that people will eventually show you who they really are. Trust that if they care, they'll express that. If they’re interested, they’ll let you know. If something’s changed in your relationship, they’ll talk about it when you bring it up. If they want to hang out, they’ll keep you informed of that. It is not up to you to interpret anything one way or another.
Sometimes, trusting people is scary, and other times it’s so freeing when you no longer have to bear the burden of wondering. When people express something to you, just trust it’s coming from a place of truth and move on.
What if it’s the other person who insists on presenting to you a particular image of themselves? And you, a trusting person, I’m sure, believe them the first time. But then BOOM, the script is flipped, the table is turned, the painting you didn’t even paint is shattered, and there you are at the end of that steeped in disappointment and broken trust. What then?
That's when you just gotta take your L and move on. Things change. People change. People’s intentions change. You will change. Accept that.
People are imperfect. Failure and disappointment are as real and inevitable as the breeze brushing past your cheek on a damp winter day. You can’t run from it. Just know what it is, know that it ain’t got nothing to do with you, know when it’s time to walk away and know that you will be okay.
Do your due diligence. Gather your information. Take what you see (observation), what you feel (reflection), and what you hear from them (direct inquiry). If through this process, you consistently find your needs being unmet, even after discussions about it, consider whether the relationship needs to change or perhaps end altogether.
You and I deserve to be in relationships where we feel safe, heard, cared for, and seen. Regardless of what image is presented or who presents it, if the information you gather concludes that the relationship you wanted to have is not possible with this person, grieve that and let it go. Then in that space, either allow room for the relationship to grow organically into what it was meant to be or grant that space to new or existing relationships that better meet your needs.
I wish each of you more clarity, trust, and strength and less ego, delusion, and fear. May we all accept our realities, and the beautiful people in them, as they are.
Thalia is just tryna do right by the people around her and have a good time.
