There was a song I loved as a teenager called "To Build a Home." But feeling at home is an entirely different adventure. As Butcher Brown said, "I promise I will never let up again."
Ride your wave till you get paid
Do it again till you not afraid
Bring sunshine to the cold and the rain
— "Peace" by Butcher Brown
Between February 17-19, 2023, I wrote the following journal entry:
I’m really starting to feel at home. In my body, in my circumstances, in my relationships, in my habits, in my routine, in my art. Like I can genuinely look at my calendar and be like wow yeah that’s really reflective of who I am right now and what I value. I’m starting to dress in ways that feel really aligned with me. In my interactions, in my words, in how I react to stimuli, in how I show up for others. I’m really starting to feel at home in the girl I see in the mirror. Settled. Relaxed. Confident in what’s next, even if it’s still taking shape.
Like nothing feels like a drag or misaligned. I feel very fulfilled and connected with how I’m living my life right now. I also feel very hopeful and grateful for the things to come. I feel good and am doing things that facilitate that. Traveling, seeing plays, child sitting, gifting, dressing up, looking good, eating good.
Though some days I don’t feel at home. Some days I feel nervous to talk to people I already know. I’m second and triple-guessing how I feel about the clothes on my body. Some days I feel like the people around me can see so clearly every bit of flaws I have. Some days I worry that I may have misheard or misspoken or misunderstood or misstepped. Some days I think I should’ve just stayed at the house. In my bed. Stayed on mute. Camera off. In my corner. In my business.
But those days are few. Most recently I feel so tapped into who I am, who God has called me to be, who I can become. I’ve been feeling so connected and encouraged and creative recently. Been dancing a lot. Letting go a lot. Moving on a lot. Saying thank you quickly. Being more responsible. Keeping my eyes wide. Lowering the stakes.
I’m not goin knock it out the park every time, tho. Sometimes I’m goin miss the mark. Sometimes I may try my very best and it just simply not be enough. But baby at least I tried. At least I showed up. At least I try to, at the very least, do right. At least I try instead of giving up. Folding. Failing. Staying down. Running away. Blocking it out. Nah I’m tryna stand in the midst. Take it as it is. Not partially, but fully recognize what it is. This is life. This is what living is about. Standing up. Being present.
You in the ocean? You goin get wet shawty, whether or not you know how to swim. YOU IN THAT HOE. So what you finna do?? Drown??? This ain’t no Kate Chopin novel!!! Failure ain’t an option. Better get to movin. The doggy paddle will do just fine.
End journal entry
Since that weekend in February, some things have changed and some things are still coming to be, but I am very pleased to say those feelings of being at home, being comfortable, and being confident haven't waned.
Being at home in something means feeling safe. It means feeling familiar and capable. It feels like returning home from a trip and landing at your local airport. You don't need to be super attentive or hyperaware, looking at all the signs and listening to all the instructions over the intercom like someone who may be there for the first time. You've been here, you've done this so many times, this is your hometown airport. You can just throw your headphones on and step. It's just self-awareness and sheer confidence, really. Knowing that you know what to do, where you are, and where to go.
Being at home also means feeling a sense of acceptance. Let's clarify that acceptance is not complacency. While complacency is rooted in ego, built on distorted reality, and hinged on a lack of healthy criticism, acceptance is merely taking reality as it is and seeing ourselves and the world around us clearly. Complacency is about ego, acceptance is about truth. And once we start to accept things as they are, then we are able to feel at home in them, even if we're not quite where we want to be yet.
For example, I recently finally accepted that I'll be living at my childhood home for longer than I initially wanted to. That is my reality, but I often felt so restless and disgruntled about it because I wanted to be in my own home soooo badly. And those feelings were preventing me from enjoying my reality, my present, of where I actually lived in real-time. In the last 6 months or so, I finally said enough and chose joy. I chose to not only accept my reality as it was but to also make the most of it and exercise as much gratitude as I could. I told myself that I will eventually move into a safe and beautiful home of my own, but I can also enjoy the home I live in currently. I accepted my reality while affirming my goals and that is how I began to feel at home in my living situation.
Honestly, I don't have three tips on how you can feel at home in whatever place you may be feeling some instability right now. Because, as the journal entry you read about a minute ago communicated, I also haven't figured it out for myself yet. I can feel so amazing in my wardrobe one day and then the next feel acutely unrepresented by the ill-fitted clothes on my body.
It's not perfect, there will be days, but feeling at home is a goal of mine in everything I do. I want to feel at home in my friendships, in my activities, in my diet, in my habits, in my social calendar, in my record collection, in my library. I even want to feel at home in things I've never done before. I want to feel at home in being an amateur and trying new things. I want to carry that sense of equanimity and confidence into everything I do.
To feel at home is my focus right now. I'm exercising a lot of self-control, prayer, and discipline in order to make that happen. I'm irl getting on my Zoom every day at 10. And if you're feeling unsettled, uncomfortable, or ill-fitted in something right now, may I urge you to find one thing that's within your control and seek alignment in that one thing. Seek to have that one small aspect of your reality reflect who you are in this moment as closely as possible. And then pick another. Then another.
And then eventually, my friend, you'll have built a mirror. You'll be at home.
