Musings on a particular teaching from my mother on tenacity and how I'm seeking to balance it with grace and self-trust.
Listen to your heart
Listen to your heart
What's it sayin'?
from "Roll (Burbank Funk)" by The Internet
My mother reared me with a very constant idiom pulsing in the background of my youth:
"You must always finish what you start."
And I recognize that the intention was for me to grow into a woman with perseverance, tenacity, and grit. Perhaps her fear was that I would be a serial quitter, never sticking to anything long enough to learn something from it. Or perhaps she just didn't want to waste her money.
Either way, as a child, I did as I was told.
When I was in elementary school, I asked my mom to sign me up for soccer. Unfortunately, by the time I realized that there was nothing I loathed more than running up and down a field chasing a ball, it was too late. It was only the second practice, but the fees for the season had already been paid. I was to go to every practice and every game without exception. I was to finish everything that I started, including the soccer season.
Despite hating every moment of every practice and game, my family was super supportive. They were at each game, cheering me on and pushing me to kick the very ball that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with. But thankfully, my sentence ended when the season did.
While my mother discouraged me from quitting, she never pressured me to continue anything after it was done. I played soccer that year and never touched a soccer ball again.
I did the same with karate, dance, basketball, tennis, swimming, and even track. Track, actually, was the only thing I truly did quit after one practice. My father was the coach, so the stakes were much lower lol.
But all those years of constantly being told that I couldn't quit something I started eventually made it very difficult for me to approach quitting or changing my mind as a feasible option as an adult.
If you weren't aware, I have historically been a very indecisive person. I change my mind often on both small and large matters. I have an equally hard time deciding what to cook for dinner as I do deciding where I will summer next year. And I shared with my therapist that this chronic indecision very well may have been derived from the teaching on quitting in my youth.
It's difficult for me to make and commit to a decision because I often don't feel like I can change my mind later. My mom was right to teach me tenacity and perseverance, but it wasn't balanced with teachings on when it was appropriate to quit or change your mind based on new information, circumstances, or feelings.
As a result, when faced with a decision, I consider my options with excessive depth and interrogation. I spend days pouring over YouTube videos, books, blogs, TikToks, and the knowledge of my circle before I make a decision. I research everything so thoroughly so that I don't have to commit to something I won’t like later. So that I don't feel like I made a mistake. My therapist called this "unrelenting standards." I call it a really annoying and time-consuming need for the first decision to be the right decision.
Interestingly, while this need makes it difficult for me to decide and commit, all the research does actually intensify my commitment to a decision. Once I do decide on a destination and dates for a solo trip, for example, there is very, very little that can deter me from seeing that trip through. The tenacity is certainly there, but in many ways, it spoils my ability to be spontaneous as I was when I was younger or it brings guilt and anxiety when I do change my mind.
I am happy to report, though, that I’ve gotten so much better at this in recent months. The self-trust, agility, and faith that everything’s going to be okay have really allowed me to be a bit more incisive in some matters. It’s the growth for meeee.
But you wanna know how I really feel about changing my mind?? At least in theory???
In theory, it feels like FREEDOM. It feels like a very inherent human thing to do. It feels like a privilege to not have to commit to everything all the time. Being able to change my mind and actually doing it a few times has been very challenging but also very freeing for me.
For example, earlier this year, I wanted to move out. So I decided (after MONTHS of research) that the best thing for me to do was purchase a home. I had a real estate agent, I had a lender, I got pre-approved for a home loan, all of that. I was ready. But when the federal reserve started hiking up interest rates, it quickly became clear that this decision was no longer the best one for me.
And that was a very memorable moment for me. I made a decision, yet was faced with new information and new circumstances. As a result, I quickly changed my mind on the matter, with a focus on making the best decision, not the “right” decision. I didn't beat myself up about it or linger in disappointment. I accepted it for what it was and moved on.
So as I grow my confidence and trust in my decision-making skills while simultaneously extending myself grace and care, I’m feeling less and less suffocated every time I have to make a decision.
I give each thing the appropriate amount of time and thought, being sure to remember that there really is no right or wrong/good or bad decision. There is only the decision that I commit to and the consequences that follow it. I just have to do my best, give myself grace, and keep moving forward.
Cheers to balance and to doing our best with what we have, friends! May you always feel encouraged to change your mind!
