‍

Let's paint a picture together:

You're in the car with your friends, it's a Friday night, y'all are headed to a function of some sort (the beach, the club, the museum, the movies, the store, wherever), and your friend boldly declares this statement with the utmost confidence:

"Oooh, y'all let me play y'all this song real quick. Y'all goin love it!"

And there you are, on the passenger side of your best friend's ride, preparing for 3-5 minutes of the unknown.

But those minutes of hearing a song for the first time create a very specific experience that has often been the cornerstone of some of my most beloved relationships. It's a really vulnerable space for the person sharing the song, but it's also a potentially very challenging moment for the friends who are listening because they're being asked to exercise a muscle that everyone has, but not everyone knows how to use: their ear.

I'm not just talking about the physical part of your body that uses soundwaves to communicate things to your brain where they're turned into actual, perceivable sounds. I'm talking the ear with which you decide if you're ever giving that super excited friend of yours the aux ever again.

Lots of people listen to music, but some folks don't listen with their ear for real. How can you tell? Ask them "why"? Why do you like this song? What about this particular album makes you compelled to listen/not listen, skip/not skip, save/not save, share/not share? Those decisions aren't made with anything else but what we're focusing on today: your ear.

But perhaps you're thinking to yourself:

"Thalia, I like what I like. If I like it, I just keep listening to it. It's not that deep."

And then to you, I'd respond:

"That's fine, dear, but have you ever wanted to explore why you liked the music you like? Wouldn't it be thrilling to be able to articulate to someone else your taste in music? If the algorithm in Spotify's Discover Weekly can do it, then why can't you?"

Developing and understanding your ear is just one part of getting to know yourself better. To be more familiar with the self. To be thoughtful.

I journaled many moons ago that "To know what you want is to have the power to reject what you don’t. To know what gives you pleasure is to have the insight needed to avoid pain. To know what brings you joy is to know the way out of sorrow."

I'll add now that to know what you like is to be able to facilitate more of it. Knowing what you're listening for makes it easier to hear it.

Confused? Not really sure how to go about developing your ear? Or maybe you just want to hear (lol) more about how you can sharpen your ear to curate the richest musical experience possible? No worries, my friend, you have come to the right place.

Allow me to present to you 3 keys to developing your ear, supported by insight from music lovers all around the country. I hope this is helpful to you and encourages you to take the time to get to know yourself a bit better.

Key 1: Exposure

You can't like what you don't hear. The very first step to developing your ear is being super intentional about exposing it to all types of music. If you come from a family or culture that really enjoys and incorporates music into the daily experience, then this very well could have already started for you when you were a child.

In my experience, my parents gave me the very foundation of my ear and music tastes, while also facilitating and encouraging my exploration of newer genres and artists. My mom put me onto the R&B tunes of the 80s, having me sing Natalie Cole before I could do long division, while my dad put me on to Weezer and Jamiroquai by blasting it in our living room or on our way to track practice.

My father dearest, Harold Butts Jr., was very intentional about exposing my brother and me to an insanely wide variety of music from the moment we hopped out the womb. But he was only doing what his father had done for him decades prior.

"I can recall riding in the car with him, listening to all kind of songs from Elton John to, uh, the Beach Boys, 38 Special, America, Boston, you name it. All those groups. So I had that side of music, then also I had the R&B side. With Aretha Franklin, James Brown, smokey Robinson, all the Motown greats and also the artists outside of Motown."

My mom, theee Toni E. Butts herself, a performer and music educator, insists that exposure is key to helping children tune their ears and get a feel for what they like early in life so they can go about their lives knowing what to listen out for.

"In order for people to maximize the greatest musical experience of life that they possibly can have is for them to be exposed to a lot of different genres. So I think the best thing we can do for our children or those we love is to expose them to something they have not heard before and that would broaden their musical horizons. "

But what if you weren't exposed as a kid? It's never too late! The world of music is truly boundless. Your new favorite sound is out there just waiting for you to find it! How do you do that? Phone a friend.

Key 2: Exchange

I have friends that I can confidently attribute at least 20-30% of my music library to (s/o Lucas and Carla!) Carla put me onto bedroom pop, a genre I haven't been able to let go of yet. Me and Lucas' iMessage history for the past, I don't know, 5+ years is adorned with Spotify links to songs that we thought the other would enjoy. He's also the only person with whom I have a Spotify Blend playlist. Sometimes it's a hit and sometimes it's not. But believe you me, Lucas will tell you if he didn't like it.

"I remember when we were in 8th grade, like when we first met and then we carpooled together or something. I think you were the first person who ever told me about indie music because before that I was just listening to whatever was on the radio or whatever my mom would listen to.

And I remember you told me about indie music and then you showed me some, I think it was, uh, I don't remember. The girl in the jacket. The cake. I think the song was called. I remember you played it for me in your mom's minivan. I was like, oh my God, this is so weird." (The song was "Short Skirt / Long Jacket" by Cake)

But what's really powerful about music exchange is that it creates regular opportunities to hear new music from someone who already kind of knows what your ear is tuned to so that you have more data, and more input to work with. That's how these music algorithms, data models, whatever they're called work! The more inputs you give it about what you like, what you skip, and what you put on repeat, the better its recommendations become. And over time, the recommendations get eerily accurate because it's learning what you like! But if you don't want to get the robots involved, find a friend or two that understands and relates to your music taste and start sharing music with them.

"I love sharing music with other people and it really validates my aux playing skills, you know? I pay attention to what people listen to and if I'm listening to a new artist or listening to my old stuff, if it makes me think of a person I'll send it to them or play it in the car while we're driving together. It's such a fun way to share your interests with those that you care about. It's also very receptive because I get so many music recommendations from y'all too, you know? And I love that."

Lucas has sent me some songs over the years that aren't necessarily what I would naturally think to listen to, like acapella Gregorian-type music, but sometimes I hear something in the song and I save it immediately! The fun part, friends, the ear development part, is finding out what that something is! It's giving explorer, honestly. Adventure!

Key 3: Exploration

But that's perhaps the most difficult part, isn't it? Finding out what that something about an album is. Finding what about that one song has you playing it on repeat, sending it to your friends, playing it in the car or on the train, or singing it in the shower.

The question here is what do you listen for? What about a song makes you save it or skip it? Nod your head or snatch back the aux. I can't tell you what it is for you, but I can share what it is for me and perhaps it'll give you some material for meditation.

My ear is attracted to funky, intricate baselines and reallll nasty rhythm sections. I love a good drum solo, especially because really creative and daring approaches to rhythm make my ear smile! I listen for instrumentation, also. As a retired violinist, I have a bias for songs with strings in them in addition to really fun or unique sounds! For example, "Stuck on Me" by deem spencer was saved like 30 seconds into hearing it for the first time cuz yo are those KEYS jingling in the otherwise pretty stripped-down song? Like I love creative choices like that, where the most random sounds are integrated into a song. Also in "Methods" by Charizma, there's an oddly comforting little vinyl crackle sound under the whole song that brings me a lot of joy to hear. I lean away from staying in specific genres and lean more into specific sounds and that's how I get a really diverse, but mad cohesive library. There are some artists, though, that I'm veryyyy loyal to, but they're the exception to my sound-first rule.

But even if you know what you're listening for and even if you have all the exposure and exchange you could ask for, all of it will be for naught if you don't remain open. Kiersa, a dear friend and superstar host of the radio show, "Before It Was Cool," considers people may simply be too afraid to be as open as they could be.

"People get scared to push out of their boundaries so they have the music they're comfortable with and they want to continue playing that. Like classic rock is still so popular because people aren't trying to push themselves."

If you're going to develop your ear by exploring all there is to hear, you've got to stay open enough to give what you're listening to a fair chance. Listen to it thoroughly and allow your ear enough time to make a sound decision. It may be a different genre, language, instrumentation, or time period than what you're used to listening to but it very well may be your new jam. I'm not saying you have to listen to the whole song, but just playing the first few seconds won't cut it.

So now what?

You now have a whole lot of tools to help you develop your ear. We've walked together through the importance of exposure, exchange, and exploration. But what really makes all these keys valuable beyond music is that they're helpful in you developing your tastes in general.

Whether you recognize it or not, your taste - in music, food, necklines on dresses, partners, furniture finishes, or architectural styles -- is indeed a part of who you are! It makes you unique, layered, and impacts your daily experience. But more than anything, these practices make you thoughtful.

I've always been convinced that thoughtfulness is one of the greatest qualities a person can have. It's lovely to not only have an opinion on the things you like but to also be confident enough to have a strong opinion and be able to stand by it! For example, outside of music, I love the Twilight Saga movies and, despite it being a very unpopular opinion, I am confident enough in my ability to clearly articulate why I love it to stand on that!

This discussion was about how to develop your ear so you can live a better life musically, but what I hope it encouraged you to do is apply these same keys to other things in your life so that you start to look around and feel more reflected in the world around you. I hope this helps you understand what you listen/look/feel for so that you'll know for sure when you've found it.

‍