Loose grip: a check-in

‍

‍

I had a health scare in September that I’m still working through now. I’m confident it was stress-induced and decided, as I sat in a cardiologist waiting room as a 25-year-old in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in, that I will not let stress and anxiety kill me. I’m disappointed that I allowed myself to get to a place where my circumstances (and myths) were stressing me out so bad, my body had to step in for me to finally sit down and chill out.

‍

But, I’m listening now.

‍

I don't have as tight a grip on things anymore. I've relaxed, I've chilled out, my grip is looser on a lot of things these days. I'm reserving my strength for the things that matter most. But that's meant choosing what to hold onto and what to let go. And through doing that, I'm realizing that it's okay to have different needs, move in a different way, and focus on different things than I used to.

‍

I didn’t think it’d be easy, but I was surprised at how quickly the things that weren’t helping me live a full, healthy life simply faded away as soon as I became intentional about what changes I needed to make. I asked God to reveal to me where I needed to chill out and let go. This is what I started doing.

‍

Being okay with things that used to bother me

‍

I'm becoming okay with getting left out, missing things, and not being a part of certain moments. I don't have to make everything or be everywhere. I'm working to eradicate FOMO from my experience. I'm okay with missing some things now that I don't think I would've been a year ago.

‍

• I'm okay with having missed Tyler's Atlanta listening party and I'm okay with missing his show in March.
  ‍
• I'm okay with having missed my friends' trip to Berlin.
  ‍
• I’m okay with not being able to relate to things, even if it leaves me as the odd one out.
  ‍
• I’m okay with not having the same romantic or sexual experiences as my friends.
  ‍
• I’m okay with people not treating me the way I would treat them and I’m okay with changing or ending a relationship in which my needs aren’t met.
  ‍
• I'm okay with missing events I used to want to be invited to and I'm okay with missing connections and meetups I used to insist on having.
  ‍
• I'm okay with things – and people – passing me by.
  ‍

Shifting my perspective and being slow to anger

‍

Everything isn't as big of a deal as I used to make it out to be. I'm not numbing or rejecting my feelings, I'm changing my perspective to connect to what I most value and process my experience in a healthy way. What used to irritate me, doesn't do so as much anymore. It's not perfect, I'm still human, so some things still hurt my feelings, but I accept it and I don't dwell on it. I let that pain come and go. I try not to dwell on pain and offense as much as I used to. I don't take it personally as much as I used to. We're all just people and we are generally all just trying to do our best with what we've got. I can't be mad at nobody for that. I don't have to dwell on anger. I don't want to.

‍

Embracing change and releasing control

‍

I noticed changes in myself and my behavior over the last month or so and decided that it’s okay to choose something different. I had to literally tell myself out loud that it’s okay if I want to do something differently from what I would’ve done without a second thought in the past.

‍

I'm turning down my plate to things that used to bring me much joy. Now whether that's due to my quest for chill or if my appetite for joy is truly changing, I'm unsure. But I know I actively chose not to buy tickets to one of my favorite artist's world tour. I know I didn’t go to Europe or New York this year for the first time in two years. And at first I worried that I’m losing the things that make me who I am, but transatlantic travel and arena concerts don’t make me who I am. It’s okay to shift my interests. I’m allowed to change. It doesn’t make me any less me.

‍

I’m releasing control over outcomes and turning my focus to things I can do.

‍

• I've been loosening my grip on the desire to be seen in the way I always felt so invisible. That's been a difficult space for me since I was a child, but I think for right now, it's good for me to stop fighting that battle and just exist, whether or not anyone sees me.
  ‍
• I released the stress of figuring out the financials of moving out and decided to only focus on saving. No more apartment tours, no more personal finance books, no more endless scrolling on Facebook Marketplace, no more emotionally loaded conversations about budgets and socioeconomic status. I’m just going to save and when I’ve saved enough, I’m going to pick an apartment below my means, sign a lease, and call it a day.
  ‍
• I cannot control who becomes the president. I can control my vote and I can encourage my community to vote. I can be a good, generous, loving neighbor regardless of who is elected.
  ‍

I’m not gonna lie, I worried this chill was a numbness. I worried that I swung the pendulum from high-sprung, high-stakes interest in outcomes and circumstances to not having a care in the world. But that’s not how I feel. I don’t feel numb, I feel at peace with the things on my plate. I feel more focused on what’s within my control and more capable of identifying what is not. I care about things, just less things. I have interests, just different interests to different degrees than 20-year-old Thalia. I’m not some robot sucked into adulthood with no childlike joy or sense of play. I’m actually having such a good time right now doing things that bring me immense joy! I’m returning to some things, digging deeper into other things, and trying things that are entirely new! I’m very much outside, chile. Just in different ways.

‍

I’m not numbing myself as far as I can tell. I’m just giving myself the space to breathe and to be really intentional and clear about what I want, what I have, and where I’m going. I feel like that’s okay.

‍

Thalia is just really honored to be here.

‍