Thoughts from Yellow River Park

I been spinnin' in my head real fast
Flipping dreams, staying on the scene
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Smokin' green, eating greener
I been gettin' older, gettin' meaner
You know, letting my love flow a little cleaner
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Mistakes I make never wrong
Just a new lesson, maybe a new song
But you know, a bitch is learning
I am just tryin', don't judge me

from "Lessons from My Mistakes...but I Lost Your Number" by Liv.e

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This is an unedited journal entry written on October 7, 2022 at 7pm.

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if we’re gonna make it through the winter, we’re gonna have to do some things differently.

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Unrelenting standards will kill you. Let them go. If you don’t, you can very well lose everything.

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Your body has already responded to your current circumstances. She does not like stress. You have to protect your health, sister. You have to be the one to let things go. You have to make sure you’re okay. By any means necessary.

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You’re doing some things really well! And there are other things we can work on. But it’s okay because you are so loved and supported. There are so many people rooting for you. You are well-prepared and well-equipped.

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Once you realize that these problems are never as big as they seem, you can start breathing a little easier. Once you stop allowing things to frustrate you and anger you and scare you so much, once you realize your own power over these situations and the divine power of your God, you’ll be able to relax and receive and trust.

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What we’re adjusting this quarter is our ability to focus on the FACTS. Let’s always stay in tune with the facts. What is true. What is real. Ground yourself in those things and fear, anger, and frustration will find nowhere to take root. When your focus is on TRUTH. Move from there. Start there. Lean into that.

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Let’s practice.

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Facts:

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1. Toni’s party is Oct 15 at 7pm. And it will go just fine. But some things may not go according to plan and that’s okay too. This party is not a reflection of you, your character, your value, or your capacity to accomplish tasks.
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2. This is the only body you will ever have. You are its exclusive steward and are responsible for its upkeep and health. You must do everything in your power to protect your body and mind from preventable ailments. It depends on you.
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3. You are doing fine sister. Please believe that. This is integral. You have got to understand that you are doing fine. Your best is enough. You are doing what you can in the ways you know how. Please don’t ask yourself for anything more than that.
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4. You have so many people behind you that will stand by you no matter what mistakes you make or things you do. They will still love you and cheer you on and laugh with you and listen to you and give you helpful feedback. They won’t stand by and allow you to destroy yourself.
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5. “A bitch is learningggg, I’m just tryinggg.”
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6. You will be okay. Everything will be okay.
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7. Baby on the other side of this is a life and a freedom you never could have imagined. You deserve it. But to get there, you gotta let this go. It’s just you, babe. It has to be you.

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Good!

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So moving forward, do you pinky promise to put yourself first? To prioritize your mental and physical health over everything? To take things as lessons and to welcome mistakes as opportunities to get better? To grant yourself some grace and compassion? To stick to the facts and release the unrelenting standards that are holding you hostage? To trust God? To let go?

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Pinky promise sisterrr I love you. This shit won’t kill you unless you let it. Live.

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