Write it down, make it plain. Being delulu is fun until it ain't. Here's how I get out of that.
This my perspective, this how I feel
I ain't fabricate nothin, I kept it real
- from "Wilshire" by Tyler, the Creator
Meeting new people can be tough.
Whether it's platonically, romantically, or professionally, meeting someone for the first time can certainly be a feat for even the most extroverted among us. There's a lot to think about and, depending on the circumstance of the relationship, the stakes may or may not be high.
While meeting people generally is quite enjoyable for me, the particular case of first dates is, well, not so much. I find it quite stressful sometimes, likely due to my less-than-positive thoughts on and experience with dating in general.
But one tool I've found most helpful in those experiences, and I hope you too may find good use of it, is what I call my Date Database. But you can call yours whatever you want, dear. That's your business.
The beautiful thing about the Date Database is that it's not restricted to just dates. You can use it for reflecting on coffee chats at your new job, the introductions you made at that party your friend invited you to, or even hangouts with people you're already friends with. The point of this tool is to give you the space to be honest, thoughtful, and reflective about the interactions you have with the people you're in relationship with, regardless of what type of relationship that is.
I’d like to offer this template to you as a framework to get deeper with yourself about how an interaction went down and what you want to happen next.
Alright, so boom. This is how it works.
This is where you get the big details up and out. Quickly. Mine is specifically designed to prevent too much lingering and consideration. I force my traditionally long-winded pen to give my first mind the mic, as it usually is the most truthful. Before I have time to make excuses or overthink a moment or action, the facts of what happened are written down. This is mainly to set the scene for the rest of the reflection and also to just give you something to ground you immediately. The party is over, now we can talk about it.
If you're not on Pinterest, honey I don't know what to tell you. If you want to journal about anything ever in this life, Pinterest has a prompt for you. By foraging through that beautiful app, I built a debrief questionnaire to be completed immediately after a date consisting of 15 tailored questions about how I felt, what happened, and what I wanted to do next.
The fifteen questions are
1. Did the conversation flow easily?
2. Did you (genuinely) laugh at all?
3. Was there any chemistry?
4. Did your date ask you questions?
5. Did your date actually seem to listen to your response?
6. How did you feel while you were with them?
7. What are their core values?
8. What side of your personality was shining while with them?
9. Were you interested in hearing more?
10. Are they available?
11. Is this someone you can bring around your friends and family?
12. Can you trust this person?
13. Were they respectful to you?
14. What would your day-to-day life be like with this person?
15. What are your dating goals?
This section of the exercise allows more thoughtful and more long form answers to really get the brain working. Grounded in our summary, we can move forward and really understand our experience through the lenses we feel are most appropriate for this type of interaction.
While you may use this template for whatever interactions you choose, I use the date database exclusively for dates. I use less structured formats for reflecting on interactions/relationships of other types, usually just a free hand journal entry, because it’s easier for me to get a really accurate read on the interaction without too much guidance. But dates require a bit more intention in my reflection to ground me in the reality of the experience, rather than the swirl of thoughts and feelings my sweet Pisces heart would prefer to focus on.
If, instead of a date, you're reflecting on a coffee chat with a really cool potential mentor in your field, you'd probably ask questions like
Pinterest, again, has far more resources than Thalia's brain that can directly relate to whatever kind of interaction you want to reflect on.
It’d behoove us all to reflect on how we feel after interacting with people because knowledge really is power when considering how you want to approach a relationship.
If you keep noticing that date after date, you're consistently reflecting that you feel unheard and objectified, then darling, perhaps you should stop dating that person. Or if you notice that meet up after meet up, you're consistently reflecting that the new friend you made makes you feel really valued and considered, then consider continuing to invest in that friendship.
Reflecting on paper is helpful because you can't depend on memory alone. Sometimes you just got to write it down for it to be real to you. And once you can see your reality for what it is, you can move forward more informed, more aligned, and more focused on building relationships that bring you life and life more abundantly.
Onward, dear! Your community won’t build itself, now will it?
Thalia, 24, just wants to host trivia nights, go on hikes with her friends, read murder mysteries, and kayak on every river in the western hemisphere. Is that too much to ask? But no, she’s documenting interactions with people that don’t like her lmao. Ganbatte to that.
